When You Can't Choose Happiness

I stare blankly out at the cars passing by the front of my house. The lights upstairs in the neighbor's house are on. A bird flies in and out of a nearby tree.

My mind feels numb. My stomach hurts. My heart feels as though it is drooping in my chest and my posture is uncorrectable.

I don't have tears. I don't even remember if I cried. My eyelids move slowly from exhaustion. Surrender.

I stare blankly out as the night creeps in and I don't remember if it has crept in slowly or was just upon me.

They say that happiness is a choice...

I have said that happiness is a choice.

But sometimes, things just happen and we cannot choose to tell our lips to part and rise and we cannot choose to tell our eyes to twinkle.

Sometimes, we wake up and the covers don't come down.

Sometimes, we toss and turn and we tell our mind "please sleep" but it dances with people and places that we don't want to dance.

Sometimes, a day that began vibrant and fruitful turns sour with the loud horn of an oncoming train set for collision just before it blasts a brick wall into pieces.

Sadness is a part of life.

And it does us no good to choose to be happy, in a moment when we are sad.

After all, if it were not for the desert we would not know how to appreciate the trees. It is part of our human nature.

Sadness is in me, as it is within all of you.

I have gotten pretty good at burying it down there, you know?

I put a lot of effort into finding the good; Genuinely. I wake up so grateful to see the sun, or my dog, or read a nice excerpt from one of my books. I feel so blessed that I always have nutritious food and to create a colorful plate each day; Sincerely. I wonder why I was chosen to have three awesome sister and so many interesting friends. People who support me in what I do and the sometimes weird life that I choose to live; Wholesomely.

I have gotten pretty good at saying "hey, bad things are happening out there. but there is hope." I have gotten pretty good at ignoring the "what ifs" and instead focusing on the "if you follow your heart". I have gotten pretty good at building my character, with meditation and yoga, with ethical choices and environmentally friendly practices. I have told myself that if I build a strong, peaceful me, if I take care of this land, if I show friendship and respect to others, I can have a truly happy life.

And, actually, in turn, things have gotten pretty good.

Or, maybe they haven't.

Maybe they have been pretty good all along, I just hadn't seen it that way.

Or, maybe they haven't.

Maybe, in reality, they have not been so good. And nothing has gotten any better. I have just gotten pretty good at things.

Because, today, my heart is heavy.

Today the sadness comes from a place where it hurts the most.

Today, I feel lost and in this moment; All I see is the dark sky in front of me and the neighbor's light on in their window. A neighbor I don't even know. A neighbor who works in their window, unknowingly lighting up my sorrow.

Sadness is not permanent. And I will not let it take so much of my day from me that I leave no room for the smile that may be awakened by my dog or the words of a sweet song.

But, I will let it stay for some time. I don't even know if that is my choice.

But I do know something.  It is trying to tell me something. And I am still getting better at listening.